Thursday, March 22, 2007

March 21:

Signs of the Presidents

As the first day of the astrological year, it's only fitting to discuss the zodiac signs the various US president to see how the stars have affected the occupants of the highest office of the land. Upon close examination, patterns begin to emerge, which ought to give astrology skeptics considerable pause.

For example, John Tyler and Thomas Jefferson were both born under the first of the signs, Aries, the Ram. Both had a clear propensity to butt heads with their political opponents. No president born under the sign of Scorpio, the Scorpion -- TR, J. Adams, Polk, Harding and Garfield -- served two full terms. Scorpions are known for their two claws, so it should be clear that anyone born under the sign will not survive, physically or politically, to serve two terms. Sometimes the stars are very clear in their warnings.

By contrast, each and every Pieces who was ever president -- Washington, Jackson, Madison and Cleveland -- served two terms. They swam in the political current as easily as the fishes.

Aquarius, on the other hand, is an evil sign for chief executives. McKinley, FDR, Reagan, W.H. Harrison and Lincoln were all Aquarians, and all but Reagan died in office -- and he would have after his gunshot wound, but for late 20th-century medicine informed by the scientific method. Anyway, Aquarius is the water-carrier, which means that anyone under that sign will be drowned by the presidency.

Not many presidents were Virgos -- only LBJ and Taft. LBJ was from Texas, back when it was the biggest state, and Taft weighed over 300 lbs. Can this be a coincidence? The stars do not lie.

Finally, only one dead president, JFK, was a Gemini. Geminis are notorious for all sorts of double traits, and sure enough Kennedy had enough libido for two men.

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